Don’t Look Now, but Biden May End Up Being the Greatest President Ever

biden dc work from home
The White House, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

By Dr. Derek Ellerman

I know what you’re wondering! Could they possibly be serious with this headline? How could Bozo Joe possibly end up being anything but one of the absolute worst failures ever to step foot in the White House? 

Let me be clear: I am absolutely serious.

Now, of course, it wouldn’t be because Biden desired the correct policy and went about his business carrying it out, it would be on total accident. 

But greatness is greatness, whether intended or not. 

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Biden Could Kill D.C. 

So you’re dying to know just how Biden could end up being the greatest. Greater than Washington, greater than Jefferson, Jackson, Van Buren, Cleveland, Coolidge, JFK, Nixon, or even Trump. 

Here’s how. 

Politico Headline: “D.C. Mayor to Biden: Your Teleworking Employees Are Killing My City”

Ah! The lightbulb starting to fire up? It gets even better. Here’s the subtitle: Washington has the highest work-from-home rate of any major city. With an empty downtown, the city faces a real risk of economic peril.

Scientists, please figure out a way to distill and purify this and inject it directly into my veins. 

D.C.’s mayor, “Muriel Bowser,” (a more perfect name for the nominal head of this cesspool, I cannot imagine) is upset that Biden’s work-from-home rules are leaving the gauche, try-hard downtown areas empty. 

As Politico writes: 

In the 9-to-5 core of Washington, though, there’s no mistaking the 2023 reality with the pre-Covid world. Streets are noticeably emptier and businesses scarcer. Crime has ticked up. 

Blessed music to my ears, dare I say even better than a bit of the old Ludwig van. 

The city’s remarkable quarter-century run of population growth and economic dynamism and robust tax revenues seems in danger.

OK, careful now, Politico, I might get so excited I burst. 

I can sense now that patriotic conservatives are asking themselves, “What the hell is wrong with this guy? This is our nation’s capitol! America! Bald eagles!” 

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. 

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D.C. Is A Sh!thole, Actually

Washington, D.C. is the worst place in the world. Bar none. When former President Trump described “Sh!thole countries,” D.C. was the first thing that came to my mind. (It’s not really America, it’s a federal district.)

It is breathtakingly ugly – even the neoclassical designs of the older buildings are laid-low by the vermin that inhabit them, or the context in which they now exist. 

Everything, and I mean everything, about it sucks. It has the infrastructure of Haiti. The Metro appears to be run by people who are incapable of reading a clock – and you might be on time if some poor soul hasn’t thrown themselves in front of an oncoming train at 5pm on a Friday and you don’t slip and fall in a puddle of urine. 

Thinking of driving? I hope you have insurance and a hell of a lot of free time.

Your Constitutional rights don’t apply in D.C., which is really unfortunate since the Imperial Capitol has the highest crime rate in the entire country, according to World Population Review. Better yet? The D.C. City Council is in the midst of their own “Criminal Justice Reform,” which means lowering penalties for crime. 

The screwls in D.C. had Kindergartners participate in something called “Anti-Racism Fight Club.” 

And that’s just private crime – we haven’t even gotten to public crime, which is D.C.’s very raison d’etre.

It is populated almost entirely with the worst kind of scumbags. You already know about politicians. They lie, they cheat, they steal. 

But Boy Howdy, they are like saints compared to the lesser denizens. Spend just five minutes with a very unimportant staffer whose rich parents are donors to something or other: “Who do you work for? What’s your favorite IPA? What do your parents do? What year is your BMW? Wow can you believe these peasants actually oppose all my insane whims? We’re going to bomb Syria, isn’t this great!?”

It would be impossible to describe here how awful the people really are. Think of any epithet you can dream up: entitled, ignorant, spoiled, power-hungry, totally disconnected from the average American, check, check, check, check, and check, and we’ve only just gotten started.  

It’s an entire city of 25-year-old know-nothings from gated communities in Greenwich, Martha’s Vineyard, or California who think they know more about farming than actual, real-life farmers. 

That’s just the staffers. My friend Jips never fails to mention the dead eyes blaring out of the skulls of the useless bureaucrats who make six-figures from your taxes to do literally nothing all day. 

Their worst crime is that they absolutely hate your guts with every fiber of their being. They loathe you. They regret you even exist. Just get one talking for five minutes and it will come out. They simply can’t help themselves. 

Now keep in mind, these are the people who make the laws and regulations to govern the 320 million of you.

Well and truly, D.C. is the worst place I’ve ever been – and my description thus far is far nicer than the one the great Hunter S. Thompson gave it back in 1971.

Don’t get me wrong, there are actually three (total) good things about D.C., and they’re all restaurants. The zombie pho truck is the best pho I’ve ever eaten, and the very nice proprietor even remembers your name and order. He’s a magician. 

There’s a chicken wing joint called Fuel. And finally, the Chinese joint in Union Station makes the meanest batch of orange chicken in this hemisphere. (Actually, upon further review, it appears this place no longer exists. Doesn’t that just frickin’ figure.)

So to bring it all around, if Biden’s policies have the effect of bankrupting the worst place in the world, he will be our Greatest President for that and that alone. 

President Biden, before you kill D.C., please have Congress pony up the dough to relocate these places to somewhere in America.

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