We’ve all seen those stupid criminal stories in the past – you know, the ones when the pot head calls police and reports that her weed is lost, or the burglars who didn’t have enough time to buy ski masks so they simply drew them on their faces with permanent marker.
But I defy you to find a more entertaining tale of stupid criminality than the following, which is pure comedy gold from beginning to end.
In fact, it’s so entertaining that we had to list the top 11 statements in the report that we found hilarious.
The story involves a newly engaged couple who found themselves in a bit of legal hot water just hours after the proposal.
Here are our favorite moments from the story of William J. Cornelius Jr., and his fiancee (for now).
And So It Begins …
What better place to start than the headline? Feast your eyes on this little gem of a story:
Couple gets engaged at Walmart, steals sex toys at mall, police say
Come on, you just know you’re in for something good with this story. And yes, it actually gets better.
The Details
With an intro like that, it’s good to see the reporter slowly ease us into the report. Details were expanded in the first paragraph, but not enough to cause sensory overload. Here’s the lowdown on what happened:
“Shortly after a Bay City man proposed to his girlfriend at Wal-Mart, the pair shoplifted jewelry and sex toys, police say, leading the newly engaged couple to spend their New Year’s Eve in jail.”
Doesn’t seem like a very fun way to ring in the new year. Fortunately our intrepid couple is not lacking in entertainment value as you’ll see.
The Scene
“… deputies found the woman walking between Bob Evans and Taco Bell, followed by a Spencer’s employee, court records show.”
Honestly, this statement isn’t all that funny, but it does deserve a nod of approval for the reporter being able to work in a Bob Evans, Taco Bell, and Spencer Gifts reference in a single sentence. Honestly, the only thing we’re missing here is a Piercing Pagoda and an Orange Julius.
True Love
“She denied stealing anything from the novelty store, and said she was not going to snitch on Cornelius, court records show.”
Pay attention, this will come into play later. We’ll file this under ‘First Denial.’
Crime Is Hard Work
It ain’t easy being a criminal. And we’d imagine it’s probably even harder when you’re lifting sex toys. It’s a stressful thing. So we’re not surprised by this statement:
“Deputies later located Cornelius sleeping in the mall’s food court, apparently having fallen asleep at a table while tying his shoes, court records show.”
What’s that old rhyme to help teach kids how to tie their shoes? Ahem … Over, under, around and through, Meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull and … Zzzzzzzz.
The Booty (Pun Intended)
Well, it wouldn’t be a crime report if a list of the stolen items weren’t included. This might be an all-time, all-star list of goods that Cornelius walked away with:
“They awoke Cornelius and searched him, finding on him a watch, an edible thong, a sex toy, panties and sex candy from Spencer’s valued at a total of $80.93, court records show.”
The Motive
“Cornelius told deputies he stole the items for his fiancée, having just proposed to her at Wal-Mart.”
Nothing quite says ‘this’ll impress my soon-to-be-wife’ quite like thieving sex toys. And nothing quite says romance quite like a beach proposal, a proposal in front of the family, a proposal in Paris, proposing at the local Wally World.
The Moment
A description of the actual proposal … that somebody read … somebody other than Cornelius.
“… staff told them Cornelius had asked a customer service worker to read a proposal note over the public address system, asking his girlfriend to marry him, court records show.”
The Rock
“Deputies confirmed Cornelius had purchased an engagement ring at Wal-Mart for $29.62, court records show.”
While money should never be a factor with affairs of the heart, it takes a special kind of lady to be wooed by an engagement ring that comes in under $30. Note to men – if the ring you’ve chosen for your significant other has the word ‘Rollback’ on the box, you best think twice.
True Love Part II
Here is ‘Second Denial.’ Remember earlier when the woman refused to rat out her future husband? Clearly, there’s a bond that can never be broken:
“The woman told them the necklace and earrings they found on her were stolen, but she denied being the thief, adding again she would not snitch on Cornelius, but changed her mind to say Cornelius was the culprit, court records show.”
That was fast.
What Fueled Their Love
“Cornelius told deputies he took the jewelry and the items from Spencer’s, as he was feeling brash as he had been given Tramadol, a narcotic-like pain reliever, in a recent hospital visit, court records show.”
Now this one we find particularly entertaining. First, Cornelius says he felt brash enough to steal sex toys because he was doped up on Tramadol. But prior to that, he proposed which would require him to be brash as well, and the Tramadol would have been even more potent at that time. Did Cornelius basically admit that the motivating factor behind the crime spree and the proposal was him being strung out on narcotics?
Summary
In the end, Cornelius spent a shade under $30 for an engagement ring, but couldn’t spring $80 for the sex toys he and his fiancee needed. If $30 was his ceiling, Cornelius is in for a bit of sticker shock considering he is facing “a fine of $500 or three times the value of the property stolen.”
One other note, you’ll notice a common phrase from the reporter in this column. The phrase “court records show.” Throughout his story, the reporter used that phrase 15 times. It’s almost as if he was thinking to himself, ‘people are never gonna believe this one.’
We can hardly blame him for being skeptical.
Comment: Which was your favorite moment from the story? Share your thoughts below.
