A Modest Proposal For Mask Hypocrites

child mask mandate

There’s a video caroming around the internet, as viral videos are wont to do, of a child, probably no older than four, having a masked forced upon him by a crèche caretaker.

The video, which showed the child resisting his COVID bib like a wild foal being bridled, elicited an expected amount of outrage on the internet—meaning it accomplished nothing other than stepping-up a few million heart rates. The battle of wills was equally otiose: the child, in his Davidian struggle, exhaled enough virus-laden droplets to infect his priggish overseers.

But, of course, we know his minder is vaccinated and in little danger of contracting Covid from younglings in her charge.

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The entire inhumane ordeal is, by my unofficial tally, the gazillionith instance of public-health policy running afoul common sense and decency. And it’s all the more aggravating because of two commensurate factors: the abusers will face no repercussions, and the law-pushers who impose such invidious rules like muzzling kids are openly flouting their own edicts.

Since Getting Mad Online™ is less proactive than a profitable industry, and since, on any given day, reams of digital script about liberal hypocrisy are plastered on the internet without effect, I figure I’d offer a better, more heart-soothing solution: swift, unapologetic, Robespierreian justice for the mask despots who either take their maw smothering too far or refuse to abide by their own standards.

As the Gospel of John says, let’s not love in words and speech, but action and truth. And nothing says loving mercy more than pushing puritanical decrees to their absurdly logical endpoint. 

The following is all make-believe, of course, and concepted in the ironizing vein of “The Monkey’s Paw.” Without further ado, our table of drops for the COVID moralizers and hypocrites!

Our first offender: the daycare dictators snapping masks on vociferating children. Resurrecting Andre the Giant and instructing him to fit the tot terrorizers with scold’s bridles seems—*ahem*—fitting. That way, the playroom will be totally protected from the adults who are more potent vectors of the SARS-CoV-2 virion. Safety first!

Next guilty party: a Montessori school principal who insisted elementary-school students re-don their masks for chewing their mushy, overly processed lunchtime vittles—no exception. But why stop there? Better yet, let’s have the entire school population do as the anon French prisoner and permanently adopt unremovable iron masks and ingest sustenance through a shambolic network of IV tubes.

That way, educators and their pupils will never, ever run the risk of decoupling their lips and leaving their airways vulnerable, if even for a second. Our overly concerned school master can set an example by being the first volunteer.

On to the next perpetrator: the Los Angeles Department of Health and the entire Emmys attendee list. Their crime, other than the latter producing wokish dreck under the guise of entertainment? Blanking reinstituted Covid mask regulations, that include mandated mouth coverings at outdoor events, regardless of inoculation.

The L.A. Dept. of Health offered an exemption for an indoor gathering of smug gasbags to exalt one another after a year of producing potboilers. So what’s a fitting punishment for both the bureaucrats who authorized maskless elitist fête and the screen stars who spent hours inhaling their colleague’s pretension-filled air globules?

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To start, since L.A.’s finest medical authorities think picture shows are so darn important, they should enjoy the very fruits they stretched a point to cultivate. A fitting penalty: force the entire bureau into a small theater to watch “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” this year’s highly-anticipated-but-forgettable sequel to the ‘90s classic, on repeat from now until the last bushmen in Botswana get the mRNA jab.

As for the Emmy stars who all played MAGA COVID-mockers for one night, perhaps some longer-term method acting is in order. Let’s stuff them into a few Gulfstreams, drop them off at the Cracker Barrel in Greenville, Ala., inter them inside, lock the doors from the out, and force them to house biscuits unmasked amongst the rubes they disdain so much.

Maybe throw in a COVID-positive bumpkin or two. Who says bipartisan empathy is dead?

Next offender is Speaker of the House Nancy-Antoinette Pelosi, who, when not riding the profit wave of her husband’s immaculate trading record, can’t seem to stay within the bounds of her own heavy-handed dictates. In a swearing-in photo-op with Texas congressman Jake Ellzey in July, Pelosi granted permission for a “masks off” snapshot, violating her own exception-less mask requirement for all those on House of Representatives’s property.

She also recently spoke yap-uncovered to reporters with that drooping, sag-plasty smile, not bothering to reapply her maw covering after concluding. So how to handle inveterate rule-breaker Pelosi? How about evening the scales, in a just and equitable fashion? Let’s award Pelosi’s conservative doppelganger, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, joint control over endogenous House affairs.

Bring the two lovely legislatrixes to the table and have them haggle over the on-premise permissions of their shared workspace. Oh, and keep a camera close by to record the undoubtedly cordial and professional dialogue.

The last rule-bender, the biggest kahuna of all: Joe Biden. I know what you’re thinking: going after the President of the United States!? The chief executive!?!? Hasn’t a convocation of legal eagles already said that’s constitutionally infeasible? No matter: the law is blind to such titles of importance. No double standard should go unpunished!

During a recent U.S.-U.K. bilateral, both Biden and Prime Minister Boris Johnson doffed their masks for a propinquitous photo despite keeping them set firmly over their mandibles while seated apart. President Biden has been scolding the country nonstop about not taking the pandemic seriously, yet invaded the personal space of a foreigner without covering his airways—all big COVID no-nos.

So what’s a proportionate punishment for the President that won’t get us charged under Article III, Section 3? A politician’s nightmare: force—or, rather, cajole with overwhelming sincerity—Biden to announce his reelection campaign and hit the hustings in red states, meeting face-to-face with unvaccinated Republican voters, snapping selfies with each one.

All indoors, all without face coverings, of course. Make Biden earn his second term by winning over those dastardly ivermectin enthusiasts!

St. Francis said the “spirit of the world tends to be all talk and no action.” Well I’ve proposed plenty of concrete action to finally rid ourselves of a plague worse than COVID-19: the unrepentant duplicitousness of our coronavirus commissars who insist we underlings live as expressionless drones, mindlessly obeying a matrix of restrictions while the designers and their snooty compatriots live free.

This maladministration should not go unanswered—so I answered with requitals that should satisfy their professed precepts.

Aristotle taught us that theories should be tested by putting their conclusions to the extreme. Just anoint me unquestioned god-emperor for five—No, three! Just three!—hours and I’ll ensure all the mask-mandating malefactors get their just desserts, including that wrinkly old fart occupying the Oval Office.

I’ll cry fīat jūstitia ruat cælum and really let them have it!

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What’s that you say? Granting me such power, if even for a short period of time, is imprudent? It’s unwise and reckless, because power is a corrupting force? That’s a good point. But it does make me wonder: why award it to anyone, if even your humble correspondent can’t be trusted with the brass ring?

I suppose the answer could be the basis of a real law-based society, instead of one that’s anti-despotic on paper but accepting of dictatorial government in practice.

Oh, all the irony. Until the COVID-edict craze eases, we can be content imagining our deceitful betters in Malebolge, burning by their own lies for eternity.


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